Being guarded. Something I know all too well. Since the age of 7, to be exact. Having your true identity and self-worth, completely challenged and destroyed. Causing a undeniable, shift in your thoughts, your heart, your soul, your life, your core being. Then having it happen again, over and over. Nothing is worse than becoming someone who lives on guard, 3/4 of their life. In fear of the next let down, heartache and disappointment. Not realizing, you are only cheating yourself out of life, love, and a sense of true purpose and meaning.
What you’re trying to avoid, is essentially, what you’re creating for yourself. You see, before, I was able to trust, live and love. Unconditionally, no expectations, no wanting anything in return for what I gave out, so freely. No questioning what my purpose was. What life was. What love meant. What trust meant. How to be, just me. Without hesitation, judgement and doubt. Knowing that no, one person, was perfect but was perfectly made in Gods eyes. Accepting things and people for who they were/are, and forgiving others and myself for mistakes, or lack of knowledge and/or experience.
Before, life was beautiful. People were beautiful. Experiences were great. Mistakes were life lessons. Forgiveness was love and acceptance. Well, that’s how we grow as individuals, and connect to each other, in an honest and open way. I’d wake each day happy, ready to start new. Ready to take on the world. Even as I grew and changed, I never doubted or questioned life and love. I just continued to be me and gave it so freely, openly and honestly.
For so many years, I lived guarded. It has just become who I am. I lived in fear of what could happen, if I actually opened myself up and lived and loved, the way I truly wanted. The way I was made to be, before all the bullshit, pain and heartache. All the disappointments. Before all the broken trust, judgements and ridicule, that I endured from early childhood until now. Before all of that completely closed me off, shut me down, consumed me and killed my very existence of who I truly was.
I’ve lived and I’ve loved, so unhealthy, and in constant fear, that I was going to get hurt. I was going to become broken, beyond repair, and not be able to recover. That I would lose myself, and never find my love, my purpose and meaning.
However, the truth is, I lost it anyways. The way I was reacting, responding and living, was causing all of that. I essentially, was hurting myself, before anyone else could.
There are very few people who know me. Some know pieces. Some know the bad. Some know the good. But very few, know my whole story. They just know the pieces of me, that I chose to share with them. This is what living fearfully guarded, looks like.
Looking at my life, I’ve come to terms with the fact, that the people who are suppose to be in my life, will be. Those that are not, will filter themselves out of my life. The more I trust myself, and just be who I am, without the fear, the easier it is to trust those worthy to share my life with. The easier it becomes to forgive, to understand, to not judge, to be a positive influence, to communicate, to grow, and to accept myself and others. Not just romantically, but friends, colleagues, strangers and family. The easier it is to live with purpose, and meaning, and to love openly, unselfishly, and unconditionally again. Without all that fear and judgment, the guards come down more easily and readily.
The lesson I’ve learned, is this. When we become so fearfully guarded, and closed off to possibilities, we treat each connection, with the prenotion, that they will eventually hurt us and let us down. We basically are holding our past against them, as they were the ones who hurt us, to begin with. Never allowing them a chance, and only giving them pieces of us, in which we are willing to allow to get hurt. Not giving them a chance to show us anything different, that they could be bringing of value to us.
We hold ourselves back from showing others, who we truly are, and from connecting to others with honesty and pureness. We fail to realize, that if we get hurt, we are still alive, and breathing. It didn’t kill us. It stings a little, and sometimes more than others, but it is in the pain, that we know we are still alive. We lived through it. We can choose to dwell in it, and quit living our best life, or we can choose to use it as a motivation to keep going, growing, and come back stronger.
There are lessons in everything and everyone. Some are going to hurt and some are going to be beautiful. But without these lessons, we never learn. We never grow. We never appreciate life and love.
To me, love is both an emotion and a choice. If you choose to love, don’t half ass it. Don’t put restrictions on it, cast judgements, and conditions on it. Be open. Be committed. Be pure and be honest. Be forgiving, be patient and be kind. Not just with others, but with yourself. Make an effort. Love without expectations, and understand, everybody loves differently. But the fundamentals of love, will always be the same.
There is nothing worth having, or experiencing, if you got to sacrifice who you are, at your core, negatively. However, if you never open yourself up, and you stay guarded, then you are always holding back, and never truly trying for what you want. So then you never know if it was good or bad. If it was going to hurt you or not. Or better yet, if it was going to help nurture your growth, or hold you back.
Get in front of all your own bullshit and fears, and leave it behind you. Get out of your own damn way. If something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t. Trust yourself. But man, if it does feel right, and okay, and safe, then try. Wholeheartedly, try. It’s best to know for sure, than to always wonder, what if.
Today, I can honestly say, I still have love, for every single person, who has contributed to my insane madness, of not trusting, and being fearfully guarded for so long, and not openly loving others or myself like I wanted to. But I absolutely, forgive each one, including myself. With that forgiveness, comes a new openness, to my heart. To my life. To my love. That I freely and honestly, with true intentions, love life, myself and others. I lay down my fears and guards, so that I can be, who it is, that I desire to be. To share with others and myself.
Inspirelations 