I had a friend recently ask me, if I ever get tired of fighting? Not that I want to end things. Rather, if I just think, is it my time to breath? Is it finally over? This question got me to really think. I did give her a honest, lengthy response.
Bottom line, I absolutely get tired. But there’s more to it, than what I said. The more I thought about it, the more self-aware I became. You see, the fight that I’m tired of and trying to win, is one I have been in the ring with for 34 years. It’s a fight within’ myself. One I never truly understood or took the time out, to try to understand and win at. One I never seen a end goal for, because I never wanted to. Until this past year.
I am glad she asked, because I’ve taken time to focus on it more and come to a true understanding. To learn the mistakes, setbacks and terms to overcome and win, so that I can finally breath, so to speak. I don’t want to battle and fight this fear within’ myself anymore. I don’t want to be guarded and never allow myself to overcome. To live, to love, to be happy and at peace. I don’t want to fight in this never ending battle, doing the same dance, in the same damn circle, I’ve been in, all these years. Being fearfully guarded, is exhausting and it’s lonely.
Throughout all these years, I allowed myself to become someone unrecognizable. I allowed myself to die, and in so doing, I allowed the fear to run my life. I allowed things, experiences, life, love and people, to negatively impact me more and influence my whole life. My growth, respect, decisions, attitude, values and love. My core being, gone. Pushed aside. I allowed myself to settle for things, I knew were not right, healthy and positive or in my best interest.
I’ve experienced so many things, that one person, especially a child, should never have to experience. It all changed me, so drastically, that I have never fully recovered from or understood. Throughout the years, I’d just let the hurt, heartaches and doubts, take over and run my life. I allowed them to just keep building that wall, that eventually, the fear took over and I just became numb and guarded.
This last year has been a game changer though. I don’t feel lost or tired anymore. I feel that relief, of not being guarded. I feel that strength, to take each brick down, and let the love and desire of who I am, come through. I feel the understanding and forgiveness, to just keep moving on, and just be me again. The 8 year old girl, before all the hurtful bullshit happened, and the fears took over.
Nothing that has happened, defines or controls me. Only I do. Nothing more and there’s nothing that can happen, I cannot get over and get past, that I haven’t already. There is nothing that is truly going to break me, unless I just give up and let myself go. I’ve realized, I’m not willing to do that. I am who I am. If you don’t like it or want to accept me or you want to change me for your benefit, then you can be gone. I can and will walk away. If you don’t understand me or want to, then move along. You’re not worth my time or my energy. I will not keep myself guarded, because of that fear of rejection, judgement or hurt anymore.
The last 34 years, I’ve been lost. Some days were good, and I would start progressing. Only to fall backwards. However, with each passing year, I became more self-aware and I’d still get back up. Just a little different, with a little more desire and openness for change, to let that wall down. But just enough, to keep others happy and at bay. Never allowing them completely in. Not allowing myself to come out.
So yes, it is exhausting and I am tired. That’s why it is my time to breath again. Little by little, it has become easier to breath life and love again. It has been wonderfully peaceful for once.
Inspirelations 