As I sit here and write this, tears fall down off my face. This last year has been the most life changing experience for me, in all ways possible and I would never change it. These last couple weeks have been emotionally rough. More so, the last week.
I’ve been grieving. Grieving a loss, that not many speak about. A loss of a person and life I have held so tightly to, for the last 30 years, trying to control and protect from being vulnerable to a world full of pain, hurt and disappointment. Keeping away the good, the love and the greatness as well. I’ve been grieving the loss of myself. The overwhelmingly frightened, resentful, cold child and woman I had become.
I lived much of my life feeling empty, numb, insignificant and inadequate to love. I lived each day feeling powerless, angry and violated. I always felt embarrassed and ashamed of who I was and where I came from, that I let myself feel isolated and abandoned. Not just by others around me, but by myself. Never feeling good enough for anything or anybody.
Today. Today was different. I stood in front of a mirror, naked, alone and completely exposed and scared. Scared to look at what was staring back at me. And for once in my life, I seen beauty. A beauty I have only seen in one other person. I felt beautiful. Mind, body and soul. I felt a calmness in this moment, that broke through to me and I was in awe. I was open and free. I could see every part of who I was. Inside and out. And I cried. Because I could feel the acceptance and acknowledgement and love I had been searching for, looking back at me.
The hurt and anger was being accepted. The guilt and shame, was being acknowledged. The love, was overriding everything, with the forgiveness to just accept what was and what is and to release everything. To let it go and just love me. Every. Single. Part. Unconditionally. My mind, my body, my soul, my thoughts, my feelings. With NO JUDGEMENTS.
I had a intimate moment with myself. One that I had not had before. I hope that every person who is suffering or struggling, will one day, have one of their own. It’s the most profound and courageous acts you can do and experience. This is why I wanted to share with you. Much love to all of you…
– Amanda Anne
Inspirelations 